Where I've been.

Where the hell have I been, you ask? I swear, I have a really good reason for being M.I.A. A lot of you know that I can't have kids. I'm infertile. We have no clue as to why, just that I am. Anyway... moving on.

Around the 1st of February, Mike & I were offered the chance to adopt a baby. A friend of my cousin had gotten pregnant and absolutely did not want him. She said she wasn't ready and didn't think she could do it and go to school. We didn't have a lot of time to get ready for that. She was 3 weeks from her due date when we met. So, we spent time with her, and lawyers, and probate judges. She asked me to take her to a Dr's appointment so I could hear the heartbeat.

I don't think I slept much in those 3 weeks.... and then the day finally came. She went in to be induced. I saw him that night, and then we went home. We came back the next morning, Mike, mom, & me. We took turns holding him and taking pictures with him.

Then she dropped the bomb. She'd changed her mind. (Mothers in Alabama have 5 days to change their mind.)

God, how I cried. I'd held him, and I knew him. For the barest moment in time, I was a mother.

After we left the hospital, I begged Michael to leave me. He can have kids, and I didn't want to hold him back. I kept begging him for the first few days. All he would do is cry with me. And hold me. My mom. God love my mom. I remember she was crying and saying she was sorry. And I lashed out at her. I asked her to shut up because she'd had her kids. She had no idea at the pain I was going through.

I regret that, and am embarrassed that I acted like that. Humans do and say strange things when they are in pain.

Things are better now. Mike is working and I am not. I'm at home, getting my head straight. I just couldn't go back to work. I miss my co-workers.

Anyway, I'm sorry.

Love to all,
Allie